A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

One Liner

You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Interviewer: You’re asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.

Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don’t know what I’m doing.

One Liner

The scary part is, someday these are going to be referred to as the good old days.

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him.”

One Liner

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!”

One Liner

It’s not a sin to be rich … it’s a miracle!

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him. “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself,” he said.

The boss replied, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?”

One Liner

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

today’sThot============================

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. One morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a small boat pulling out toward him!

When the boat arrived, its occupant handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and said: “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

One Liner

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

During a business trip to Boeing’s Everett, Washington factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.

Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked “14,000 lbs.”

But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight.

Imprinted there was the warning: “Remove before flight.”

One Liner

A dog’s life wouldn’t be too bad … all a dog has to worry about is the toilet seat falling on it’s head.

A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was. 

“Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it until he was fifty!”

One Liner

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

One Easter, a father was teaching his son to drive when out of nowhere a rabbit jumped on the road. 

Slamming on the brakes, the son said, “I nearly ruined Easter! I almost ran over the Easter Bunny.” 

His father replied, “It’s okay son—you missed it by a hare.”

One Liner

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!