My 5-year-old: “Do trees poop?”

Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”

One Liner

I wish I could drop off my body at the gym and come back when it’s ready.

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. The two continued to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” the other replied. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner

Overweight: Living beyond your seams.

It’s not a cat it’s…

a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

a wildlife control expert impersonator.

an un-programmable animal.

a four footed allergen.

a hair relocation expert.

a treat-seeking missile.

a lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

One Liner

People don’t come in all shapes and sizes. We’re all mostly the same shape and a couple of different sizes. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came in all shapes and sizes.

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

“Where have you worked as a glazier?” my son asked.

The man replied, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”

One Liner

Q:  What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.

“Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?”

“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”

One Liner

Quoting one published author is plagiarism. Quoting many of them is research.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. 

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” 

The man said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.” 

This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” 

The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

One Liner

Sleeping when you’re not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

One Liner

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”

One Liner

It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

A teenage girl had been talking on her phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?”

“Wrong number…” replied the girl.

One Liner

The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The waiter says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” 

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me the food?” 

“Deal!” replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. 

The waiter says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another. 

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter. 

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. 

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant. 

The waiter says to the guy, “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.” 

“Not so,” says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

One Liner

Bringing my dog named SHARK to the beach yesterday was probably not the best idea.