A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”

One Liner

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good? 

She: “Do I look fat?”
He: “…do I look stupid?”

One Liner

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

One Liner

Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.

Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.

“Yes?” asked the busy waiter.

“Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?” asked Max.

“Why do you ask?” replied the waiter.

Max replied, “Because I was expecting he would be a much older man by now.”

One Liner

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

One Liner

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

The Sunday school teacher asked, “How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?”

All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.

“I’m sorry,” Ronnie replied. “Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school.

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun – the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

REASONS WHY FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

~ They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

~ Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

~ It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

~ The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

~ The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape. 

~ Top speed is only about 45 mph.

~ Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

~ It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

One Liner

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date. 

Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.

“Oh mother,” she cried out upon returning home, “what do you think I saw today?”

“I can’t imagine, dear, what?”

“A lady had twins, and a spare!”

One Liner

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 6,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

It’s that time of year when I get to pretend the 5-pound bag of candy I’m buying is for trick-or-treaters.

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”

“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the customer.

“I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”

One Liner

I just finished a positive thinking course. What a waste of time.