“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”
One Liner
Dont annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.
A mother and father were chatting with their 13-year-old son about his
future. The tweenager said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and
other members of the family had.
Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take
when you attend college?” they asked the boy.
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied,
“The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.”
One Liner
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X. I don’t know why.
(Husband) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Husband) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?
One Liner
Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Patient: “Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a spoon!”
Doctor: “Okay, sit down and don’t stir.”
One Liner
Every morning I announce that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.
Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes…
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
One Liner
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “What, son?”
College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”
Father: “I certainly do.”
College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”
One Liner
I couldn’t hear you, so I’ll just laugh and hope it wasn’t a question.
The wife phones.
Husband: “Hi!”
Wife: “Hi! Did you clean the house?”
Husband: “Uhh
YUP!”
Wife: “Okay, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
Husband: “Yes, about 2 hours.”
One Liner
I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line.
One Liner
I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult that I ever did as a child.
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
One Liner
The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”
Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
One Liner
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.
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