A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”
“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”
One Liner
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
One Liner
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
One Liner
Just saw on the news where the world champion tongue-twister was arrested. I hope they give the guy a tough sentence.
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.
“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.
One said to the other, “There’s a book?”
One Liner
I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The other cups are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor-sharp wit!
My 5-year-old: “Do trees poop?”
Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”
One Liner
I wish I could drop off my body at the gym and come back when it’s ready.
A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.
The two Aussies just stared at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. The two continued to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” the other replied. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
One Liner
Overweight: Living beyond your seams.
It’s not a cat it’s…
a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
a wildlife control expert impersonator.
an un-programmable animal.
a four footed allergen.
a hair relocation expert.
a treat-seeking missile.
a lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
One Liner
People don’t come in all shapes and sizes. We’re all mostly the same shape and a couple of different sizes. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came in all shapes and sizes.
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.
Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.
“Where have you worked as a glazier?” my son asked.
The man replied, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”
One Liner
Q: What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.
“Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?”
“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”
One Liner
Quoting one published author is plagiarism. Quoting many of them is research.
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.
This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
One Liner
Sleeping when you’re not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.
mikeshumor 