Category Archives: Uncategorized
Humor – August 1
SCHOOL FUNNIES
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy.
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn’t give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What’s the worst thing you’re likely to find in the school cafeteria?
A: The food!
Teacher: “Why are you late on the first day of school?”
Student: “I saw a sign that said, ‘School Ahead: Go Slow.'”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Forget it. It’s pointless.
Why is 2 + 2 = 5 like your left foot? It’s not right.
One Liner
Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
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Humor – June 20
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: no car was to enter unless it had a special military sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The corporal, who was driving, said, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You have to have a military sticker on your windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!” The sentry replied, “Hold it! Hold it! You cannot come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a military sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General Sir, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or your driver?”
One Liner
Charcuterie is just Lunchables for adults.
Humor – June 3
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the beginner.
One Liner
My email password has been hacked again! That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the dog.
Humor – May 12
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”
“No.”
“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”
“Some other time; I’m busy.”
“Dad, you have to meet them now.”
From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”
One Liner
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Merry Christmas
Humor – November 6
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”
One Liner
I might wake up and go running. I also may wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.
mikeshumor 