Phone Number Magic Trick

[Grab a calculator – you won’t be able to do this one in your head…]

1. Key in the first three digits of your 7-digit phone number (NOT the area code);

2. Multiply by 80;

3. Add 1;

4. Multiply by 250;

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number;

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again;

7. Subtract 250;

8. Divide number by 2.

What you have is your phone number. Cool, eh?

One Liner
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

Thought for the day
While I was with them, I kept them safe by the power of your name … I protected them …. John 17:12 (TEV)

Jesus guarded the disciples’ spiritual growth by protecting their minds. It is your job, as a father and spiritual leader, to protect your children’s’ innocence. This is a huge task today in the culture we live in. 

Redneck Wireless Security System 

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used work boots – a really big pair.

2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

3. Put a dog dish beside it – a really big dish.

4. Leave a note on your front door that says: “Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition – back in 1/2 an hr. Don’t disturb the pit bulls. They’ve just been wormed and they are a little edgy.”

One Liner
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Thought for the day
When the Message we preached came to you, it wasn’t just words. Something happened in you. The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions. 1 Thessalonians 1:5a (MSG)

Jesus’ life was dominated by his conviction that he was sent to do the Father’s will.  This produced a deep awareness of his life’s purpose and kept him from being distracted by the agenda of others.  If you want to gain insight into the convictions Jesus held, just study all the times he used the phrase “I must.”

A Census taker came by and five year old Becky answered the door. “My daddy isn’t home, he is a doctor and is performing an appendectomy today!”
 
“Oh my! That’s a big word for such a little girl, do you know what it means?” said the Census Taker.
 
The little girl said “Sure! Fifteen hundred dollars, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

One Liner
“The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.”

Thought for the day
“In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.” (John 17:18 MSG)

The mission God gave Jesus he now gives to the Body of Christ — the Church. He wants us to help get other people into his family. 

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, “How much is half-and-half?”

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, “One.”

One Liner
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

Thought for the day
“God never overlooks a single sparrow. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail – even numbering the hairs on your head!” (Luke 12:6-7 MSG).

The greatest gift of love anyone can ever receive is attention. When you give people your time, you give them your life. When you pay attention to someone and look them in the eye, you are saying, “You matter to me. You are valuable.” 

Young Love

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more?”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

One Liner
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

Thought for the day
Without faith it is impossible to please God …. Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)

Godly goals are set through faith. The Bible says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.” In order to please God, we must set goals that require faith.

What does this mean? It means we must set goals that are bigger than ones we can reach on your own.

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, craziness ensued and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, “I’m just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings.”

One Liner
“As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.”

Thought for the day 
Eliezer had to pay a price to get Rebekah to come back with him and marry Isaac. Genesis 24:53 says, “Then he brought out gold and silver and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave expensive gifts to her brother and her mother.” Great goals require great sacrifice.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

But I just couldn’t sleep.

I tried counting backwards,

I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned

The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

The thought of a snack became infatuation!

So I raced to the kitchen,

Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell

as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

One LINER
Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”