Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

And thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

One Liner
Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented bagpipes for “music”

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (NIV). It’s not just what you eat that matters, it’s what eats you. You can have all the right macrobiotics and organic food, but if your body is filled with resentment, worry, fear, lust, guilt, anger, bitterness, or any other emotional disease, it’s going to shorten your life.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

One Liner
“An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.”

Thought for the day
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

God will provide the harvest from the seed you planted, not because you’ve worked yourself into a frenzy or psyched yourself up, but simply because of who God is. He’s faithful, and he can be depended on. He will provide for your needs; he will fulfill his promises.

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”

The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said, “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

One Liner
Q: What is the most common craving women experience during pregnancy?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Thought for the day
But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today. (Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV)

God is the one who provides for us when we have a need. This means he supplies for our financial needs.

In other words, I don’t look to an employer for my security. I don’t look to my savings for security. I don’t look to anyone or anything other than God to supply my needs.

I’m high maintenance…I take aspirin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza from the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet, and regular chiropractic care are just too much trouble.

One Liner
Stress is the glue that holds me together.

Thought for the day
Delayed obedience is disobedience.

THAT’S NOT MY JOB

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

One Liner
We are all faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.

Thought for the day
Someone else said, “I will follow you, sir; but first let me go and say good-bye to my family.” Jesus said to him, “Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the Kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:61-62 TEV)

Discipleship is not like a career we map out for ourselves: “I’ll do this for Jesus after I get the kids through school and build my retirement fund.” We cannot arrange our service to suit ourselves; otherwise, we end up serving Jesus according to what makes sense to us. . He wants the best for you, and he knows you will find that when you follow him.

“Fine Request”

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. “Mr. Brewster,” the judge said, “you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150.”

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster’s lawyer stood up and said, “Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”

One Liner
For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth

Thought for the day
“I will climb up into my watchtower…” Habakkuk 2:1 (NLT)

The Prophet Habakkuk says, “I will climb into my watchtower ….” This is his way of saying; ‘I’m going to get alone with God.’

THE HANDYMAN’S GUIDE

~ Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

~ Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

~ Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

~ If something looks level, it is level.

~ If what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

One Liner
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

Thought for the day
Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve and to give my life. Matthew 20:28 (LB)

We are commanded to serve God. For Christians, service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules if we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give”—and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too.

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

One Liner
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …”

What Paul is saying is that you don’t want to give up because heaven is watching and cheering for you. That’s encouraging news!