I’m high maintenance…I take aspirin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza from the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet, and regular chiropractic care are just too much trouble.

One Liner
Stress is the glue that holds me together.

Thought for the day
Delayed obedience is disobedience.

THAT’S NOT MY JOB

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

One Liner
We are all faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.

Thought for the day
Someone else said, “I will follow you, sir; but first let me go and say good-bye to my family.” Jesus said to him, “Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the Kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:61-62 TEV)

Discipleship is not like a career we map out for ourselves: “I’ll do this for Jesus after I get the kids through school and build my retirement fund.” We cannot arrange our service to suit ourselves; otherwise, we end up serving Jesus according to what makes sense to us. . He wants the best for you, and he knows you will find that when you follow him.

“Fine Request”

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. “Mr. Brewster,” the judge said, “you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150.”

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster’s lawyer stood up and said, “Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”

One Liner
For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth

Thought for the day
“I will climb up into my watchtower…” Habakkuk 2:1 (NLT)

The Prophet Habakkuk says, “I will climb into my watchtower ….” This is his way of saying; ‘I’m going to get alone with God.’

THE HANDYMAN’S GUIDE

~ Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

~ Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

~ Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

~ If something looks level, it is level.

~ If what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

One Liner
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

Thought for the day
Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve and to give my life. Matthew 20:28 (LB)

We are commanded to serve God. For Christians, service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules if we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give”—and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too.

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

One Liner
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …”

What Paul is saying is that you don’t want to give up because heaven is watching and cheering for you. That’s encouraging news!

Three friends — a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician — were discussing which profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said: “Eve was created from Adam’s rib – a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!”

The engineer replied: “Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the oldest.”

Then the politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

One Liner
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall.

Thought for the day
“All the people saw this and began to complain, ‘Jesus is staying with a sinner!’” Luke 19:7 (NCV)

No matter what other people say about you, what matters is what God says about you. Everyone called Zacchaeus a sinner, but Jesus affirmed him and called by his name, “pure one.”

“Sermon Overtime”

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, “Well, I’ve gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge.”

One Liner
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.”

Thought for the day
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

This also means God won’t let you use weaknesses as an excuse for not doing what he’s asking you to do.