Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”

“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

One Liner
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

Thought for the day
“Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days” (Ecclesiastes 11:1 RSV).

Whatever you give to God, he multiplies.

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher’s tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

One Liner
The batteries were given out free of charge.

Thought for the day
1 Thessalonians 2:12, “You should live in a way that proves you belong to the God who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (GW).

What does it mean to live in God’s Kingdom? It means you make God’s agenda your agenda. You make God’s will your will. You care about what God cares about. Whatever you want God to bless, put him first in that area.

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.”

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, “Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!”

“No,” Chuck replied, “I’m just a lousy golfer.”

One Liner
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” (Kermit the Frog)

Thought for the day
“Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory” Romans 15:7 NLT

Did you know that every time you show love, it gives glory to God? Because God is love, and glory is revealing what God is really like.

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass.

One said to the other, “Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you.”

One Liner
It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.

Thought for the day
“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones.” (Luke 16:10 GNT)

A common saying today is that “what you do in your private life is nobody’s business.” Well, it actually is. What you do in your private life — what you do behind closed doors or out of view of other people — builds and reveals your true character. And God sees it just as clearly as the things you do in public.

A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?”

A child’s voice answered, “Yep.”

“Is your father there?”

“Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in.”

“Well, is your mother there?”

“Nope, Ma left just before I got here.”

“Are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!”

One Liner
“Biscuits and sermons both improve with shortening.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:10, “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another”.

When you use your abilities to help each other, God is glorified.

The boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School music and drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear said, “My Mommy is the light of the world.”

One Liner
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Thought for the day
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

The Bible teaches we can have contentment “whatever the circumstances”, when we stay close to Jesus. The contentment we find in Jesus is greater than anything the world has to offer. We need not be troubled or afraid when we look for our contentment in Jesus.