Kathy walks into the kitchen and sees Rachel with the whole box of animal crackers spread out on the counter top.

Kathy: “Why did you pour out the whole box?”

Rachel: “The box says, ‘Do not eat if the seal is broken.’ I’m looking for the seal.”

One Liner
In theory, everything works.

Thought for the day
“We’re depending on God; he’s everything we need. What’s more, our hearts brim with joy since we’ve taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you’ve got — that’s what we’re depending on.” (Psalm 33:20-22 MSG)

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.

One asks the other how bad the drought.

The other replied, “Well it’s got so bad they’ve closed two lanes at the local swimming pool.”

One Liner
“People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.”

Thought for the day
“From him the whole body … grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” Ephesians 4:16 (NIV)

A church needs more than just a pastor or a worship leader. Whether it’s a new church or one that’s been around for years, it takes all kinds of people to grow a church.

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass.

One said to the other, “Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you.”

One Liner
It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.

Thought for the day
“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones.” (Luke 16:10 GNT)

A common saying today is that “what you do in your private life is nobody’s business.” Well, it actually is. What you do in your private life — what you do behind closed doors or out of view of other people — builds and reveals your true character. And God sees it just as clearly as the things you do in public.

When men are born, their mothers get compliments and flowers.

When they marry, their brides get presents and publicity.

When they die, their widows get the life insurance.

So, tell me: why is it “a man’s world”?

One Liner
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Thought for the day
“We are helpless in the face of this large army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but we look to you for help.” (2 Chronicles 20:12 GNT)

When you feel overwhelmed, it’s important to go to God in prayer and confess your inability and inadequacy. You need to be honest if you’re afraid and tell God exactly how you feel.

“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.”

“OK: He’s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

“How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

“I thought you said he’s 13?”

One Liner
Duct tape does not fix stupid.

Thought for the day
The Bible asks, “Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false” (Psalms 24:3-4 NIV).

Who gets to be close to God? The Bible says he who has clean hands and a pure heart. That doesn’t mean you are perfect; it means you are confessed up. You may not always do the right thing, but you want to do the right thing. Your heart really is pure, although you will still make mistakes.

Jesus said it like this: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8 NIV). If you want to be blessed in your work, in your finances, and in your family, you must have a pure heart. You need integrity and purity. You need to act on the truth and keep your motives clear.

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

“Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

“Yep,” he replied proudly. “not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”

One Liner
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Thought for the day
Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being. (Matthew 6:19-21 MSG)

The real secret to becoming content is to focus on the things that have eternal value.

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Presbyterian all die and go to heaven. St. Peter comes around to the Pearly Gates and leads them through to a hallway lined with doors. These, he explains, lead to the place you’ll spend eternity in.

He asks the Catholic, “What denomination were you?”

“Roman Catholic.”

Peter points to a heavily carved dark wooden door and says, “Step in there.” The Catholic opens it up to find a chapel lined with stained-glass windows and candles. He gasps with delight, “A church!” and runs inside, kneels and starts counting his rosary.

Peter turns to the Baptist and gets his denomination, then points to another door. The Baptist opens it to find a canvas tent filled with people singing and waving their arms to a swaying choir and a shouting pastor. “A revival meeting!” He runs and joins the crowd.

Finally Peter asks the Presbyterian, “And what were you?”

“Presbyterian.”

Peter leads him to another door and pulls it open. Inside is a big, round table with people seated around shuffling papers and arguing. The Presbyterian claps his hands to his face in happiness.

“A committee!”

Thought for the day
“Greed I’ve often regretted. Generosity– never.” – Max Lucado

How Many People It Took To Make You!
1)…………1 YOU
2)…………2 parents
3)…………4 grandparents
4)…………8 great grandparents
5)………..16 gg grandparents
6)………..32 ggg grandparents
7)………..64 gggg grandparents
8)……….128 ggggg grandparents
9)……….256 gggggg grandparents
10……….512 ggggggg grandparents
11)…….1,024 gggggggg grandparents
12)…….2,048 ggggggggg grandparents
13)…….4,096 gggggggggg grandparents
14)…….8,192 ggggggggggg grandparents
15)……16,184 gggggggggggg grandparents
16)……32,768 ggggggggggggg grandparents
17)……65,536 gggggggggggggg grandparents
18)…..131,072 ggggggggggggggg grandparents
19)…..262,144 gggggggggggggggg grandparents
20)…..524,288 ggggggggggggggggg grandparents
21)…1,048,576 gggggggggggggggggg grandparents
22)…2,097,152 ggggggggggggggggggg grandparents

Thought for the day
“Don’t bother to give God instructions; just report for duty.” – Corrie ten Boom