“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.”

“OK: He’s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

“How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

“I thought you said he’s 13?”

One Liner
Duct tape does not fix stupid.

Thought for the day
The Bible asks, “Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false” (Psalms 24:3-4 NIV).

Who gets to be close to God? The Bible says he who has clean hands and a pure heart. That doesn’t mean you are perfect; it means you are confessed up. You may not always do the right thing, but you want to do the right thing. Your heart really is pure, although you will still make mistakes.

Jesus said it like this: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8 NIV). If you want to be blessed in your work, in your finances, and in your family, you must have a pure heart. You need integrity and purity. You need to act on the truth and keep your motives clear.

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

“Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

“Yep,” he replied proudly. “not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”

One Liner
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Thought for the day
Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being. (Matthew 6:19-21 MSG)

The real secret to becoming content is to focus on the things that have eternal value.

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Presbyterian all die and go to heaven. St. Peter comes around to the Pearly Gates and leads them through to a hallway lined with doors. These, he explains, lead to the place you’ll spend eternity in.

He asks the Catholic, “What denomination were you?”

“Roman Catholic.”

Peter points to a heavily carved dark wooden door and says, “Step in there.” The Catholic opens it up to find a chapel lined with stained-glass windows and candles. He gasps with delight, “A church!” and runs inside, kneels and starts counting his rosary.

Peter turns to the Baptist and gets his denomination, then points to another door. The Baptist opens it to find a canvas tent filled with people singing and waving their arms to a swaying choir and a shouting pastor. “A revival meeting!” He runs and joins the crowd.

Finally Peter asks the Presbyterian, “And what were you?”

“Presbyterian.”

Peter leads him to another door and pulls it open. Inside is a big, round table with people seated around shuffling papers and arguing. The Presbyterian claps his hands to his face in happiness.

“A committee!”

Thought for the day
“Greed I’ve often regretted. Generosity– never.” – Max Lucado

How Many People It Took To Make You!
1)…………1 YOU
2)…………2 parents
3)…………4 grandparents
4)…………8 great grandparents
5)………..16 gg grandparents
6)………..32 ggg grandparents
7)………..64 gggg grandparents
8)……….128 ggggg grandparents
9)……….256 gggggg grandparents
10……….512 ggggggg grandparents
11)…….1,024 gggggggg grandparents
12)…….2,048 ggggggggg grandparents
13)…….4,096 gggggggggg grandparents
14)…….8,192 ggggggggggg grandparents
15)……16,184 gggggggggggg grandparents
16)……32,768 ggggggggggggg grandparents
17)……65,536 gggggggggggggg grandparents
18)…..131,072 ggggggggggggggg grandparents
19)…..262,144 gggggggggggggggg grandparents
20)…..524,288 ggggggggggggggggg grandparents
21)…1,048,576 gggggggggggggggggg grandparents
22)…2,097,152 ggggggggggggggggggg grandparents

Thought for the day
“Don’t bother to give God instructions; just report for duty.” – Corrie ten Boom

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

One Liner
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

Thought for the day
The mark of a spiritual leader is protection, so parents should protect the spiritual growth of their children. Jesus said, “While I was with them I kept them safe by the power of your name … I protected them” (John 17:12 TEV).

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the guy. “It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
Declare your struggles to someone. “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you” (James 5:16 NCV). Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. That’s one of my favorite sayings. If you want to just be forgiven, confess your sins to God. But if you want to be healed, confess them to somebody else. It’s the power that comes from having a spiritual accountability partner or small group.