A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

One Liner
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Now that we have been put right with God through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1 TEV).You need to make peace with God. Have you done that? If you haven’t, you’d better, because one day you will have to face him.

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my email??!!”

One Liner
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Thought for the day
Jesus tells us in Mark 8:35, “Only those who give away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (TLB). God wired you in a way that you’ll never be happy unless you’re giving your life away in his work. You were made for something greater than yourself.

Musical instrument + Reindeer = Organ Donner

Really quiet + Armed crusader = Silent Knight

Snow + Frankenstein = Snowball Fright

Reindeer + Cow = Sleigh Bulls

Rope + December 24th = The Knot Before Christmas

Christmas carols + A dozen flowers = The 12 daisies of Christmas

Christmas carol + Money = Jingle Bills

The 25th of December + A girl’s name = A Christmas Carol

Telling Santa your wishes + Computer = Santa’s Laptop

Snowfall + Chinese cooking = Shovel the wok

One Liner
Never offend people with style if you can offend them with substance.

Thought for the day
God’s plan of action is summed up in the Great Commission: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20 NLT).

Did you know that according to the song, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, Santa has twelve reindeer?

Sure, in the introduction it goes “There’s Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen…” That makes eight reindeer.

Then there’s Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

Then there’s Olive. You know, “Olive the other reindeer used to laugh…” That makes ten.

The eleventh is Howe. You know, “Then Howe the reindeer loved him…” Eleven reindeer.

Oh, and number 12? That’s Andy! “Andy shouted out with glee.”

The proof is in the song!

One Liner
Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.

Thought for the day
We can have courage as we tell others about Jesus because the Holy Spirit is working through us. It doesn’t matter how well we talk or how educated we are because God inhabits our abilities: “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13 NIV).

YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN…

~ You can type sixty words a minute…with your feet.

~ Instant coffee takes too long.

~ You chew on other people’s fingernails.

~ You answer the door…before people knock.

~ You sleep with your eyes open.

~ You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

~ You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~ You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don’t even work there.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

~ You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.

~ You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

One Liner
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Thought for the day
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now — financial, emotional, or relational — but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.

How to tell if you’re celebrating a Redneck Thanksgiving

If…
– You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
– Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
– You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
– You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
– You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
– Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
– Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
– Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
– Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
– Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
– You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
– The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
– You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
– You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
– Your secret family recipe is illegal.
– You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

One Liner
“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

Thought for the day
Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 (NIV)

The point of living your life to the fullest in every aspect is not to increase your reputation; it’s to make your life count for God