Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.

His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“I don’t know. That’s his problem.”

One Liner
He’s a gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

Thought for the day
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

Forgiveness is a two-way street. You can’t expect others to forgive you if you are unwilling to forgive them.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

One Liner
Hermits don’t suffer from peer pressure.

Thought for the day
“Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another” Romans 14:12-13 NIV

It isn’t judgmental to tell the truth to people. If someone is doing something the Bible says is wrong, it’s not being judgmental to tell that person it’s wrong. That’s just telling people the truth. It is judgmental to take the truth and beat people over the head with it and then enjoy it and feel morally superior because of it.

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather’s dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, “COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!”

One Liner
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?

Thought for the day
“A man’s harvest in life will depend entirely on what he sows” Galatians 6:7 Phillips

It’s the law of the harvest. Whatever goes around comes around. If you want to be respected, you must treat other people with respect.

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued: “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?” He reminded the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: “Those who can: do. Those who can’t: teach.”

To corroborate, he said to another guest: “You’re a teacher, Susan,” he said. “Be honest. What do you make?”

Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, “You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best.

“I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home. You want to know what else I make?”

“I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell ‘definitely’ and ‘beautiful’ over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English. I elevate them to experience music and art and joy in the performance, so their lives are rich, full of kindness and culture, and they take pride in themselves and their accomplishments. I make them understand that if you have the brains, then follow your heart…and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention.

“You want to know what I make? I make a difference. And what do you make?”

One Liner
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Thought for the day
“If a person isn’t loving and kind, it shows that he doesn’t know God — for God is love”
1 John 4:8

The Bible tells us that God is love. If you know God, you’ll fill your life with love. Love always treats people with respect.

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

“Yeah,” said Dewey very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, “that wasn’t very nice of her to do.”

“You’re absolutely right it wasn’t,” she said. “And they were the two best towels we had …. you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!”

One Liner
Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.

Thought for the day
God paid a ransom to save you …. he paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ” 1 Peter 1:18-19 TLB

You may not place much value in certain people, but God does. In fact, he says every person you meet is worth dying for.

The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves.”

One Liner
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Thought for the day
“You [God] made them inferior only to yourself; you crowned them with glory and honor” Psalm 8:5 GNT

God made everyone! God doesn’t make junk. No one is worthless. People make wrong decisions all the time, but they are still valuable to God. Even the most unlovable person in the world is loved by God.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “My child, I am sorry, but I didn’t recognize you!”

One Liner
God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets.

Thought for the day
“Show proper respect to everyone” 1 Peter 2:17 NIV

Respect has become an endangered value over the past few decades. We live in the “Age of Irreverence,” where sarcasm rules the day and everyone loves a good put down.

Yet the Bible makes it clear that stable families — and stable societies — are built around respect

While eating at an outdoor cafe in the historic district, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece. After finishing his meal, we went up to the owner and offered him two dollars for the cat.

“It’s not for sale,” said the owner.

“Now, now” said the collector, “that cat is just ugly and no one would want it, but I’m eccentric. I like to help out underprivileged animals. I’ll raise my offer to five dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor with a smile, and pocketed the five on the spot.

“For that amount I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The little kitten seems so content drinking from it.”

“No way,” said the owner. “That’s my lucky saucer. I’ve already sold 26 cats so far this week drinking from it!”

One Liner
God’s retirement plan is out of this world.

Thought for the day
“You have six days in which to do your work, but the seventh day is a day of rest dedicated to me” (Exodus 20:9-10 GNT).

Sunday is our Sabbath, which simply means a “day of rest.” Here are three things to do on your Sabbath.  1. Rest your body 2. Recharge your emotions and 3. Refocus your spirit.

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

One Liner
What goes up and down without moving?
Stairs

Thought for the day
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” Matthew 5:43-44 NIV

When people hurt you, they expect you to retaliate. They expect you to seek revenge. But God wants you to do the exact opposite. He wants you to respond in love. Respond to mistreatment with love, and you keep the other person from controlling you.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a  month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

One Liner
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought for the day
Romans 5:3 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance” (NLT). You can be happy even in the middle of pressure and trials and troubles and tribulation. Why? Notice the phrase “for we know.” Happiness in life depends on what you know, not what you go through.

God’s much more interested in your character than your comfort. He wants you to grow more like him while you’re here on Earth because the only thing you’re taking to heaven is you. How does he do it? Through all these problems and trials that you face. You can know in the midst of them that he is developing patient endurance in you, and he will use your suffering for your good and the good of others.