PARENTAL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

~ Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

~ Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

One Liner
The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological – one is Psycho and the other is Logical; now please don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

Thought for the day
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35 NIV).

Each of us has a life message that God wants us to share with the world. Sharing the message is part of our life’s mission. When we share that message with other people, it’s called witnessing.

PARENTAL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

~ My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

One Liner
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Thought for the day
“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

This was developed as an intelligence test by a research and development department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each line from the top down to determine your intelligence.

One Liner
You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today?

Thought for the day
“And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him” (Colossians 2:6 NLT).

The Bible often compares life to a walk, because life is a journey. We’re not sitting still. Throughout the New Testament, we are told to walk in wisdom, love, light, and obedience. We’re told to walk as Jesus walked. We’re also told to walk alongside other people.

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.  Yup

Now you see my point of why I want to be a bear.

One Liner
What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NIV).

Forgiveness is a two-way street. You cannot receive what you are unwilling to give.

Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe, where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch. As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him, and laughed in his face. The truck driver said nothing. He got up, paid for his food, and walked out.

One of the three cyclists, unhappy that they hadn’t succeeded in provoking the little man into a fight, commented to the waitress: “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Well I guess not.” Then, looking out the window, she added, “I guess he’s not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles.”

One Liner
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 7:9, “Only fools get angry quickly and hold a grudge”(CEV)

You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because resentment will control you

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.

As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. “I like the original better,” I told her.

“Trust me,” she said. “Ten years from now, you’ll like this one.”

One Liner
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Thought for the day
Colossians 3:13 says, “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others”(NLT)

You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because God has forgiven you.

A friend of mine has three boys. The youngest, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

“Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

One Liner
Pi R squared.
Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square.

Thought for the day
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (NIV).

It doesn’t say that all things are good, because not all things are good. Cancer is not good. Disease is not good. Death is not good. Divorce is not good. War is not good. Rape and abuse are not good. A lot of things in life are evil. These are the realities of living in a world that’s been contaminated by sin.

But God says he will work good out of the bad things in life if you will trust him.

Dewey dragged himself into his doctor’s office one day looking very exhausted. “Doctor,” he said, “there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep!”

“I have good news for you, Dewey,” the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over.”

“Great,” said Dewey, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left.

Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor’s office looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than ever!” Dewey exclaimed.

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered Dewey wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

One Liner
Cupid’s arrows hurt a lot more coming out than they do going in.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 10:22, “The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it” (NIV).

Profit that is made dishonestly brings trouble with it. Why? If you rip off people, other people are going to rip you off. If you cheat — including the government — you’re going to get cheated in life. What you sow, you will reap.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom
and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.  “Here, give me the
broom, I’ll show you how.”

One Liner
Speculate: You are three weeks overdue with delivering my new pair of
glasses.

Thought for the day
“There is great gain in godliness combined with contentment; for we brought nothing into the world, so that we can take nothing out of it” (1 Timothy 6:6-7 NRSV).

God is more interested in your character than your comfort. He’s not going to give you things if you haven’t learned the principle of contentment first.

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” the irate customer yelled after calling the newspaper office.

“Madam,”  said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”

One Liner
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 9:6-7, “Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver”(NIV).

The principle of sowing and reaping applies to every area of life, not just your finances. Whatever you sow in life, you’re going to reap. Whatever you deposit is going to be returned to you. If you sow criticism in life, you are going to reap criticism from other people. If you sow kindness, you’re going to reap kindness. It’s the law of the harvest. If you plant apple seeds, you don’t get pears; you get apples. If you sow with generosity, you will reap generosity.