I don’t know why people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

One LINER
Today is the first day of the rest of your life – but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 2:8-9
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.

Don’t you love gifts! I do!! The greatest gift we’ve ever received has nothing to do with our relationship or efforts. We didn’t earn it, deserve it, or purchase it. It’s a FREE gift from God!!! No way we can boast about this sacrificial gift.

No Nursing Home For Me
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?
So . . .
When I reach the Golden age,
I’ll face it with a grin —
Just forward all my email to:
me@Holiday_Inn!

One Liner
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Thought for the day
“It is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name!” (1 Peter 4:16 NLT).

You should never be embarrassed for standing for the truth and doing what’s right.

– Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It’ll be snowing indoors.

– Change your Facebook Status to “I’m Pregnant” or “I’m Engaged” and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.

– Walk up to a friend at work or school and whisper, “They know.” Then quickly walk away. Most people will wrack their brains wondering what they did that people found out about.

– You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool’s joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.

I don’t think I’ll worry about any April fool’s Day pranks, I’ll be too upset that it’s Monday.

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

One LINER
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Thought for the day
Psalm 59:16
I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Let God be your fortress and refuge today!

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

One LINER
How can there be “self-help” groups?

Thought for the day
Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Our worship to God comes from our gratitude for what He has done and recognition of who He is. Worship involves every aspect of life, not just our quiet times or weekly worship on the Lord’s day.

“I Hope I’m Sick”

A fellow was sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, and said to himself every so often, “Boy, I hope I’m sick!”

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn’t stand it any longer, and asked,

“Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Jobs?”

The man replied, “I’d hate to be well and feel like this.”

One LINER
Is there another word for synonym?

Thought for the day
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NIV).

The strength of “I can do everything . . . ” comes through God, who gives you the strength you need for each day. Your ability to “do everything” is wholly dependent upon him because your strength is dependent upon him. It’s not a strength you work up to by pumping iron with emotional or mental barbells.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”

One LINER
Generally, helpful hints aren’t.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes” (Matthew 6:34 MSG).

John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year.

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.

After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, “Did you ask her to explain how it is done?”

“No,” said the mother.

“Then ask her and call me back,” replied the teacher.

“So how DO you make babies?” the mother asked her daughter.

Susie responded, “You drop the ‘y’ and add ‘ies.'”

One LINER
Jesus knows me — this I love.

Thought for the day
This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10

What’s your prayer today?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96?” the undertaker asked.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

One LINER
Missionaries do Emmanuel labor.

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:11-12
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Most of us live in cozy places where belief is tolerated and Christians are just considered a bit out of touch. Be thankful your life makes enough difference to be noticed!! But at the same time, we need to pray for other believers throughout the world who are undergoing persecution for their faith.

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE
~ Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
~ Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
~ Grease pan, crack nuts.
~ Measure two cups flour.
~ Remove baby’s hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
~ Remeasure flour.
~ Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
~ Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
~ Get another bowl.
~ Answer doorbell.
~ Return to kitchen.
~ Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
~ Wash baby.
~ Answer phone.
~ Return.
~ Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
~ Look for baby.
~ Grease another pan.
~ Answer telephone.
~ Return to kitchen and find baby.
~ Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
~ Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
~ Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
~ Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
~ Call baker.
~ Lie down.

One LINER
Young and fast eventually loses to old and sneaky.

Thought for the day
God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. Romans 8:29 (Msg)

You were created to become like Christ