Football is a dangerous sport and players can be hurt while playing. That happened to a friend of mine in a college game who was hit pretty hard on one play.

The doctor came onto the field while we all stood around him, waiting to learn how badly he was hurt. In order to do that the doctor asked my friend a few questions as he lay on the field.

“What’s three plus three?” the doctor asked him.

“Seven,” my friend said.

“What’s the capital of the United States?”

“Alabama.”

“Which state is farther east, California or Florida?”

“California.”

At this point, the doctor thought that my friend was confused and probably had suffered a brain concussion so he told the coach to take him out of the game.

But I quickly spoke up. “Don’t do that, Doc. Let him play. He’s alright. He didn’t know that stuff even before he was hit.”

One Liner
“Hocus Pocus” doesn’t work anymore; I think they changed the password.

Thought for the day
Radical gratitude looks like this: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).

A DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING POEM

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three.
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming…”

One Liner
What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, google, google

Thought for the day
“Jesus [said] … ‘I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of’” John 10:10

Jesus did not come to make life perfect for us. Rather, he came to give us a life connected to him, so that no matter what situation we face, we are eternally attached to the source of true life.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

One Liner
If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

Thought for the day
“Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” Mark 11:24

God’s timing is perfect. We may think he’s late, but he’s never late. God’s delays are not God’s denials. “Not yet” does not mean “no.”

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for
greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.

While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, “The turkey I bred
had six legs!”

His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, “What about the
taste?”

The farmer said with a long-drawn face, “I have no idea. Can’t catch it.”

One Liner
Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged
in their mouths.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” Ephesians 3:20

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stand on a large box and asks, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Si.”
“Ja.”

One Liner
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Thought for the day
“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

If you ever feel pressured to give, don’t. You don’t get any credit for that kind of gift. The Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver.” God’s not looking at the amount you give but at your attitude.

“Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.”

“Why is that?”

“They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.”

“How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.”

“Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”

One Liner
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows…and a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and…

Thought for the day
What is impossible with man is possible with God Luke 18:27

God specializes in the impossible. It’s called a miracle, and he can do it in your life! He is ready to turn your dead end into deliverance.

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.” But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no, ma’am,” replied the pilot, “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

One Liner
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored machine tools.

Thought for the day
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that . . . they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady”  Romans 5:3-4

What’s the purpose of your problems and difficulty? God wants you to learn something. Every storm is a school. Every trial is a teacher. Every experience is an education. Every difficulty is for your development.

A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it. When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state. He didn’t think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.

First to step up was the contractor from Florida. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $9000. $4000 for materials, $4000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $7000. $3000 for materials, $3000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$27,000.”

The store owner, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.”

One Liner
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 4:13 says, “Always remember what you have learned. Your education is your life — guard it well”

Be careful. You need to guard your mind. You need to learn the right stuff.

Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“It says not to eat them if the seal is broken,” Little Johnny explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

One Liner
I told the doctor that I was allergic to cotton. He gave me some pills for the condition, but I couldn’t get them out of the bottle.

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” Proverbs 19:8

Many people spend their younger years getting an education. Hopefully, that commitment to education continues. We should all become lifelong learners.

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

One Liner
I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

Thought for the day
“Now God had given the chief of staff both respect and affection for Daniel” Daniel 1:9

The world urges us to show bluster when we’re wronged. God urges us to show respect.

And we can always know that God is looking out for our best interests.