If the birth of Jesus was covered by today’s tabloids:

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH –
BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM — It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. “There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. “We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have any papers.” The Kings were promptly arrested and deported.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. “This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming,” the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
Philemon 1:6: “I pray you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (NIV).

In other words, don’t keep your faith in Jesus a secret. Tell other people about it. Invite them to church. Give them a Bible. Hand them a book or resource about what it means to follow Jesus.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN TEXAS

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A’dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was whistling and shouting with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

“Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right”
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you-all tonight.

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper “Are you really Santa Claus?”

“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

One Liner
People go on vacation to forget things. Then they open their bags and find that they did.

Thought for the day
Thinkers love Bible study. Psalm 119:97 says, “How I love your law! I think about it all day long”

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9.  Any knick-knack

8.  Tickets to the ballet

7.  Another new tie

6.  A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5.  New teddy bear pajamas

4.  Vacuum cleaner

3.  A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2.  Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1.  A nose and ear hair trimmer

One Liner
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

Thought for the day
Thinkers also need to be careful to practice what they know. If you know it, then do it! James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says”

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.

When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:

“What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!”

Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
Proverbs 20:25 says, “It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows” (NIV). It is a trap to decide without deliberating, to make a promise without pondering, to make a commitment without first considering the cost.

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE DURING CHRISTMAS

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)

~ Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom” Proverbs 3:7a

Why? Because God is God, and you’re not.

Q:  What do we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?

A:  The letter “D”!

Q:  What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A:  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

One Liner
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Thought for the day
 “Hard work is worthwhile, but empty talk will make you poor” Proverbs 14:23

God’s warning for talkers is this: You also have to act.

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  A car wash kit

9.  A table saw

8.  Two all-day passes to Best Buy’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7.  A case of oil

6.  Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5.  Custom engraved bowling ball

4.  New outboard motor for fishing boat

3.  Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2.  New satellite dish with sports package

1.  Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting. God shaped you to primarily be a talker, feeler, thinker, or a doer.

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.

Thought for the day
Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (NIV).

This is the law of the harvest: There is always a delay between sowing and reaping. You plant in one season, and you reap in another. God wants to see if you’re going to keep cultivating, planting, and sowing. If he sees consistency in your life, then the harvest will come.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 WHEN…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

One Liner
If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20 NCV).

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
Every baseball team could use a man who plays every position perfectly, never strikes out and never makes an error. The trouble is, there’s no way to make him lay down his hot dog and come down out of the stands.

Thought for the day
“It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13 NIV).

When we want God’s direction for our lives, we should get our desires out of the way so that we can honestly say, “God, I’m willing to go either way — whatever you want is what I want.”