A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One LINER
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

In my joy and success, I need to learn to acknowledge him!

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

One Liner
I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, “Help! Help!”

Thought for the day
But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.  James 1:22

Someone asked, “What’s the best translation of the Bible?”  The best translation is when you translate it into your life.  You become a Bible.  We’re either Bibles or we’re liables!

One morning, when my son was about 19 months, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask. (Something I rarely do.)

“What ‘ou doin’?” he said.

“I’m putting on a face mask,” I replied.

“What it for?” he asked.

“It’s to make Mummy look more beautiful,” I told him.

He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, then said as gently as possible, “Well…it doesn’t.”

One LINER  
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Thought for the day 
Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

The Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

One Liner
I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:18, “For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” (NIV).

Jesus says the Bible will last until the end of time!

Here’s an example of someone who went a little overboard to get revenge:

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a large hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What’cha doing, Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your dumb cat.”

One Liner
“The reason they called golf “golf” was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”

Thought for the day
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10 NIV)

Oh God, create in me a pure heart …

• A heart that knows no greed when it looks upon worldly treasures,
• A heart that thinks of others, and not itself,

A heart that argues for love instead of fairness.

I LOVE MY JOB

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss and he’s the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it’s location. I hate to have to take vacation.

I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell; there’s nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers. I love their leers ‘n jeers ‘n sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.

I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am…I’m the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job AND I’ll say it again, I even love these friendly men:

These men who’ve come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!

One Liner
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Thought for the day
“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39 NIV).

If you want an antidote for loneliness, here it is: You will never be separated from God’s love. But if you’re a Christian, God is with you always and forever.

My brother-in-law, who is a minister, responded to a Red Cross appeal for blood donations. When he didn’t come home by the time his young son expected him, the boy asked his mother, “Is Dad going around visiting all the sick people?”

His mother replied, “He’s giving blood.”

“But we know it’s really grape juice, don’t we Mom?”

One Liner
Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.

Thought for the day
Matthew 10:32-33 says, “Stand up for me against world opinion and I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven. If you turn tail and run, do you think I’ll cover for you?” (MSG).

God is telling you to make a stand for his truth. Taking that kind of stand requires an uncommon courage that is only available through the knowledge and understanding of God’s Word.

THE KNOTS PRAYER

Dear God,

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots, and

might nots that find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and should nots

that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind

my heart and my life all of the am nots

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen.

One Liner
The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair

Thought for the day
“By helping each other with your troubles, you truly obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NCV).

What is the law of Christ? It’s this: Love your neighbor as yourself. The Bible commands us to help each other. Every time you help somebody who’s going through pain, you are fulfilling the law of Christ.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

One LINER
“Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.”
~ Douglas MacArthur

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything you produce” (Proverbs 3:9 NLT).

God promises to meet all your financial needs, if you (1) ask him for help; (2) learn to be content; and (3) practice giving in faith.

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door”.

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “Great, God. This is what you sent to help me????” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.

She said “Yes, my daughter is very sick……I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car.”

He said, “SURE”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “THANK YOU SO MUCH….. You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud…..

“THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL.”

One Liner
A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous

Thought for the day
Mark 8:16-17, “His followers discussed the meaning of this, saying, ‘He said this because we have no bread.’ Knowing what they were talking about, Jesus asked them, ‘Why are you talking about not having bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your minds closed?’”

Jesus was trying to teach the disciples a lesson about life, and they thought he was talking about lunch! He was talking about the need for maturity, and they were talking about their next meal. That’s short-term thinking.