Tour Guides: What They’re REALLY Saying
 
TOUR GUIDE TERM …..and the…… TRANSLATION
 
Old world charm ………….. No bath
Tropical …………………….. Rainy
Majestic setting ………….. A long way from town
Options galore ……………. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ……… Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms …… Already occupied
Explore on your own ……. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..They’ve flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ……………… No extras
Nominal fee ……………….. Outrageous charge
Standard …………………… Sub-standard
Deluxe ……………………… Standard
Superior ……………………. One free shower cap
All the amenities …………. Two free shower caps
Plush ……………………….. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes …………… Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy …………….. No air conditioning
Picturesque ………………. Theme park nearby

One Liner
“Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.”
~ Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“Do not look out only for yourselves. Look out for the good of others also” 1 Corinthians 10:24 

Be sensitive and to see people’s needs up close, you have to slow down. Slow down long enough to look people in the eye. Give somebody your undivided attention. Stop to talk to the person and really listen.

Swimming Friends

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!”

One Liner
“Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head.”
“Well, don’t worry,” said the doctor. “You’re just having Disney spells.”

Thought for the day
“When [the Samaritan] saw the man, he felt compassion for him” Luke 10:33b

Mercy always begins in the eyes. You have to see the need before you can meet the need. You can’t care until you are aware.

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention– so he’s let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

One Liner
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Thought for the day
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me” Psalms 23:4

When we understand God’s grace and mercy, then we have no need to fear the future.

“Cinnamon Rolls”

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One LINER
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  — Mark Twain

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 11:8 says, “People ought to enjoy every day of their lives, no matter how long they live” (NCV).

Whatever living you’re going to do, you better do it now.

Exercise Program
The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
 
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
 
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
 
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
 
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
 
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
 
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
 
Whew!
What a workout!

“Good News Dewey”

Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.

“I’m sorry dear,” said Dewey, “but I’m up to my neck in work today. I don’t have time to chat.”

Olga replied, “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.”

“OK, darling,” said Dewey, “but as I’ve got no time right now, just give me the good news.”

“OK,” agreed Olga. “Well, the air bag works!”

One Liner
“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

Thought for the day
“Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises” (Psalm 25:14 TLB).

If you want to build a deep relationship with God, you have to slow down and be quiet.

Ron, a 9-year old boy, was being raised by his mother who didn’t know how to cope with his uncontrollable temper. She knew he was angry that his father had abandoned him and she tried professional counseling, but nothing seemed to work.

So she sent Ron to spend the summer on his grandparent’s farm. When he came home, he was a changed boy. His mom asked him what happened and he told her that every time he got mad or said anything unkind, Grandpa made him go outside and hammer a big two-inch nail into a two by four. It was hard, and he wasn’t allowed back until the nail was all the way in.

After about 20 trips to the shed to get the tools, he decided it was easier to control his temper than hammer those long nails.

“Did you change because you hated the consequences so much?” she asked.

“Well, that was part of it,” he said. “After I’d nailed in all the nails and was behaving better, Grandma took me outside and made me pull them out. That was even harder. When I was done, she gave me this note.”

He showed it to her, and this is what she read:

“Pulling out the nails is like saying you’re sorry. But the holes still remain in the board. You can’t fix things by being sorry, but you can stop making new holes. Remember, every time you do something mean and nasty, you’re making a hole somewhere in someone. That’s what your dad did to you. Please don’t do it to anyone else. You’re better than that.”

One Liner 
May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.

Thought for the day
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” Ephesians 3:20

God is a competent Father. He can handle any problem you give him. Nothing is beyond his ability or his resources. No request is too big or too small.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have so much to tell you. Because of the fire in my dorm set off by student riots, I experienced temporary lung damage and had to go to the hospital. While I was there, I fell in love with an orderly, and we have moved in together. I dropped out of school when I found out I was pregnant, and he got fired because of his drinking, so we’re going to move to Alaska, where we might get married after the birth of our baby.

Your loving daughter

PS: None of this really happened, but I did flunk my chemistry class and I wanted to keep it in perspective.

One Liner
“It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.”

Thought for the day
God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing. (Ephesians 2:10 NCV)

There are three things you can do with your life: You can waste it, you can spend it, or you can invest it. The best use of your life is to invest it in something that will last longer than your time on earth.