A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish – on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.”

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

One Liner

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place.

They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old master barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

One Liner

If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide it in the ocean?

A little boy’s birthday gift from Grandma was a water pistol.

Mom said to Grandma, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Grandma grinned. “Oh, yes, I certainly do.”

One Liner

Online meetings: Not muting your mic is the new Reply To All.

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”

Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”

One Liner

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.

A snail was involved in an accident that resulted in his shell being torn completely off.

Hearing about the accident, one of his friends rushed over (as much as a snail can rush) to his friend’s house.

“I heard about your accident!” he exclaimed, and then asked, “How are you feeling?”

The recovering snail answered, “Sluggish.”

One Liner

Recipe for iced coffee: Have kids, make coffee, get distracted and forget you made coffee, drink it cold 3 hours later.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me pass gas.”

One Liner

So many people these days are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF…

~ You’ve waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

~ You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.

~ You’d rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

~ You see a picnic as no picnic.

~ You’ve ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

~ You’ve been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

~ You’ve ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.

~ You’ve ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn’t mean praying for him.

~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.

~ Your sermons have a happy ending…everyone’s happy when it ends.

~ You’ve never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.

~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

One Liner

My Optometrist just told me I had 2020 vision. I told him I wanted a 2nd opinion.