BEST OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGES

~ I am currently at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get
the position.

~ You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

~ I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

~ Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

~ The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable
to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again

~ Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

~ I’ve run away to join a different circus.

One Liner

If dogs understood peanut butter cups, they would find it cruel that we took
one of their favorite people foods and stuffed it in a shell of poison.

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? 

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. 

Son: Thanks, Dad. 

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

One Liner

Sleeping late is considered lazy, but waking up early and taking an afternoon nap is fine.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG SERMON

10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.

1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” and it’s September.

One Liner

Optimist:  “It doesn’t get any better than this!” 
Pessimist: “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

IF DOGS WROTE LETTERS TO GOD…

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: How come there’s so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

One Liner

If you’re hard of hearing, it helps to read lips. Just don’t use one of those yellow highlighters.

=

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”

“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

One Liner

Dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.

One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl — and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole “conversation.”

He tried it again the next night, and the next — and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.

Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

Just then it dawned on them.

One Liner

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

“You don’t understand, sir,” my friend said. “I’m in the wedding.”

“No, YOU don’t understand,” the officer replied. “You’re in the Navy.”

One Liner

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.