One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring
“Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

One Liner

A book never written: “The Parts of the National Anthem” by Homer D. Brave.

A grandma and her 5-year-old grandson were taking a walk in the country just after the first heavy frost had dyed the foliage and given it a brilliantly colored, crazy quilt appearance.

“Just think,” the grandma marveled, gazing at a scarlet and gold-tinted hillside, “God painted all that.”

“Yes,” the boy agreed, “and He even did it with His left hand.”

“What do you mean ‘He did it with His left hand’?” she asked, somewhat puzzled by the remark.

“Well,” he replied reasonably, “at Sunday School, the teacher told us that Jesus is sitting on the right hand of God!”

One Liner

Finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It’s my face.

“Why is Dad never home?” the 16 year old girl asked her mother.

“Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn’t miss out on a thing.”

“Wow,” the teenager replied thoughtfully, “that’s really very selfish of him, isn’t it?”

One Liner

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

RULES FOR PROCRASTINATORS

1. If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about altogether.

3. All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

4. The probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, there is always next year.

One Liner

At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.

“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”

One Liner

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

One Liner

Stephen King has a brother named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.