I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain
basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took
my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

“If you must curse, use your own name.” God

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest.

After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.”

Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

One Liner

Archeologists just announced that they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.

07Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”

“How do you mean?” asked the woman. 

“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”

“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked. 

The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

One Liner

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, “Mommy, can we put him back, now?” 

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back – that her brother was a gift from God.  

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, “I understand, Mommy. God didn’t want him either.”

One Liner

Anyone remember the good ol’ day, before Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner. No? Me either.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.

“Well is he any good?” the guy asks. 

“Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.”

One Liner

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. 

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. 

“Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any.” 

“Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“One hundred and one.”  

“Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world.” 

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, “I outlived every one of them!”

One Liner

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 98