A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random.

When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Roger here.”

The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says the dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. “No, there’s no one here called Roger. Go away. Don’t call again.”

“That’s aggravation,” says Dad.

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son.

The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”

One Liner

A prayer over leftovers: “Lord, AGAIN we thank you for this food. Bless the hands that repaired it.”

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” 

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.” 

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.” 

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”

One Liner

Don’t annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.

A mother and father were chatting with their 13-year-old son about his
future. The tweenager said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and
other members of the family had.

Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take
when you attend college?” they asked the boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied,
“The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.”

One Liner

I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X. I don’t know why.

(Husband) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center! 

(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Husband) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too? 

One Liner

Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs. 

Patient: “Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a spoon!”

Doctor: “Okay, sit down and don’t stir.”

One Liner

Every morning I announce that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes…

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

One Liner

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “What, son?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

I couldn’t hear you, so I’ll just laugh and hope it wasn’t a question.

The wife phones.

Husband: “Hi!”

Wife: “Hi! Did you clean the house?”

Husband: “Uhh
YUP!”

Wife: “Okay, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

Husband: “Yes, about 2 hours.”

One Liner

I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.