A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.

The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”

One Liner

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how. 

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

One Liner

Cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

At the end of the day, we are all human beans. We will rice. Lettuce pray.

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?”

One Liner

Save the chocolate moose! 

Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said the first guy. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” said the second. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced.

“Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

One Liner

Remember, you can’t have everything. Where would you keep it?

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car
toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked
and joined her in pushing her car.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching before my run.”

One Liner

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.