John slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.

“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”

“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.

One Liner

You can’t please everyone. But it is possible to make ’em all mad at the same time.

A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, “39 and holding.”

The child thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

One Liner

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

One Liner

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. “Mommy, Mommy!” he cried, “I just saw a man making a horse!”  

“Are you sure?” asked his mother.  

“Yes,” said the tot. “He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet.”

One Liner

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Bob was a Walmart greeter who was habitually late for work, but otherwise an excellent employee. Out of frustration concerning this gentleman’s tardiness, the Walmart store manager called him in for a one-on-one meeting. 

“So,” began the manager, “I understand you’re retired from the armed forces. May I inquire as to which branch?”

“I was in the Navy,” Bob replied. 

“And,” inquired the boss, “were you ever late arriving at your former job?”  

“Why, yes, sometimes I came late” answered Bob. 

“Well, tell me, what comment was made upon your late arrival?” 

The greeter smiled and replied, “Good morning, Admiral Jones, would you like tea or coffee this morning?”

One Liner

“Experience” is the name people give to their mistakes.

“We don’t have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” 

“Really? What’d he do?”

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

One Liner

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

My friends and I have named our band Duvet. It’s a cover band.