THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her/him behind her/him back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy…or else.

IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the shower, nor use my credit cards.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!

X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his entertainment center, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

One Liner

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.

One Liner

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.” They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen,

“Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

One Liner

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, “Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started.”

Mozart said, “The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with.”

The young man looked astonished. “But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I.”

“Ah,” said Mozart, “but I did so without asking advice.”

One Liner

If everything goes perfectly, something’s wrong.

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Tommy, what’s the matter?” 

Little Tommy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife.”

One Liner

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven’t met everybody.

The patient is adamant. “Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . .”

“What makes you think you need all these?”

Well, replied the patient, “My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized.”

One Liner

I plead contemporary insanity.

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

One Liner

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist. If they ask what I do every day, I answer, “Y’know, stuff.”