My mother is a cleaning fanatic.

One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up.  We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.

As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it.

Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, “Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?”

One Liner

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”

Useful words that ought to exist:

1) Begathon – Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle – Residue on your fingers after eating CheetosŪ.
3) Crummox – Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg – Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn – Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

One Liner

Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win. 

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I’m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”

One Liner

Life, unlike Algebra, does not have the answers to the odd problems in the back of the book.

A man went to his doctor and said, “Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse.”

The doctor asked the man to look out the window. “Tell me what you see,” he said, pointing.

“I see the sun,” the man replied.

The doctor turned to him and asked, “Just how much farther do you want to see?”

One Liner

I thought getting old would take longer.

A group of Americans were touring Holland by bus.  They stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led them through the process of making cheese from goat’s milk.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” 

A spry old gentleman answered: “They send us on bus tours!”

One Liner

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

The pastor stood up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new building program! The bad news is that it’s still out there in your pockets.”

One Liner

I hate it when I think I’m buying ORGANIC vegetables, but when I get home they’re REGULAR donuts.

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. “I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows, and leave out the ‘love, honor, obey, and forsake all others’ part.” He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor’s hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.

On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.  The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, “Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you’ll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?”

The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said “Yes” in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, “I thought we had a deal!”

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,

“She made me a much better offer.”

One Liner

I don’t want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.