A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”

“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.

“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”

One Liner

Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “Really?  What’s the good news?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder — and your hand over my mouth.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says ‘Go easy on the butter, kids – it’s three bucks a pound!'”

One Liner

Hold on while I overthink this.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,

“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

One Liner

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” 

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes. 

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said. 

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

One Liner

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

One Liner

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!