WHY YOU SHOULD MARRY A GOOD SPELLER

A dog attacks a lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, “Where are you at?”

The husband replies, “I’m on Eucolipstic Road.”

The operator asks, “Can you spell that for me?”

“Um, well – er…I’ll just drag her over to Oak Street so you can you pick her up there”

One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Thought for the day
James says, “But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. . . . Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do” (James 1:6, 8 NLT).

Faith is a verb. It’s active and not passive. It’s something you do. Decision-making is a faith-building activity. You use your muscles of faith.

Baby Boomers: The 60’s and revisited in 2015

Then: Long Hair.
Now : Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now : The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now : EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now : Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.
Now : Moving to California because it’s warm.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Now : Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Paar.
Now : AARP.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now : Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now : Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now : Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal’s office.
Now : Calling the principal’s office.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now : Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Passing the driver’s test.
Now : Passing the vision test.

Then: “Whatever”
Now : “Depends”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his physician.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“Yes….and THAT’s the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

One Liner
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

Thought for the day
I tell you, use your worldly resources to benefit others and make friends for eternity. In this way, your generosity stores up a reward for you in heaven … but if you are unfaithful with your worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? … You cannot serve both God and money. (Luke 16: 9-14 NLT)

If you’re going to become like Jesus, you need to learn how to be generous———–

Airport security – Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t you come out until you’re told!”

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

One Liner
“Cosmetics are a woman’s way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.”

Thought for the day
Paul says this about the churches in Macedonia: “Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, they have mixed their wonderful joy with their deep poverty, and the result has been an overflow of giving to others” (2 Corinthians 8:2 LB). Joy and generosity always go together.

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

One Liner
“A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.”

Thought for the day
“So put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth because we belong to each other.” (Ephesians 4:25 NLT)

If you spent as much time being honest about what’s not right in your life as you do covering it up, you’d have a lot more energy for what is right in your life
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, “Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life.”

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old.

Hateful little dog.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything..

Thought for the day
“This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:7 (NIV)

God has a plan for eternity and you have a role in it. God wants you to grow to spiritual maturity so that you can bear spiritual “fruit”.