One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on. 

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”  

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either. 

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged. 

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

Grandma looked out her window and saw Johnnie digging a hole in his back
yard. 

She went out and asked Johnnie what he was doing. He told her he was burying
his parakeet. She said that he was digging a big hole for a little bird. 

Little Johnnie looked at her and said that the bird was in her cat.

One Liner

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Forgive my French” just
after a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of French Language class.

When I was a girl my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00.

I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. 

You can’t do that now…too many security cameras.

One Liner

When I grow up I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”

Barney: “No sir. I ain’t got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!”

Lawyer: “Well you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”

Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”

One Liner

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!” 

One Liner

I don’t want to adult today. I don’t even want to human today. Today, I will be a dog. I’ll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring snacks.

A young man and a pastor are playing a round together. At a short par 3 the pastor asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?”

The pastor says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One Liner

Jellyfish are just wet ghosts.