A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”
One Liner
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Two friends were having lunch when one began choking. The other ran quickly behind his friend, yanked down his friend’s trousers, and licked the right butt of his bottom.
The choking man coughed up his food in shock and said, “What was that, man?!”
His friend said, “The hiney-lick maneuver. Works every time!”
One Liner
When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
One Liner
What’s a perfect gift for a person who has everything? Storage space.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
– The bonbon group
– The salty-snack group
– The caffeine group
– The “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”
One Liner
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
The minister drove his ball into a very deep sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn’t say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn’t say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, “I’m gonna have to give it up.”
“Golf?” asked the caddie.
“No,” he replied, “the ministry.”
One Liner
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Yes” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”
One Liner
Running feels great, unless you compare it to not running.
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
“Oh, you’re four,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”
One Liner
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
mikeshumor 