This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used with a man as part of a job interview.

You’re driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she’s about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man/woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box!

One Liner

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half!

APPROPRIATE BABY NAMES

Lawyer’s daughter: Sue

Thief’s son: Rob

Lawyer’s son: Will

Fisherman’s daughter: Annette

Meteorologist’s daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug

Hairdresser’s son: Bob

Gourmet chef’s son: Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician’s son: Mike

Hot dog vendor’s son: Frank

Gambler’s daughter: Bette

Gambler’s son: Chip

Exercise guru’s son: Jim

Astronomer’s daughter: Skye 

Cattle thief’s son: Russell

Painter’s son: Art

Iron worker’s son: Rusty

TV star’s daughter: Emmy

Movie star’s son: Oscar

Barber’s son: Harry 

One Liner

What do you call it when you leave a dollar bill in a pants pocket and it gets washed? Money laundering.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

One Liner

My going-out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on yesterday and they hugged me so tightly I couldn’t move.

My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn’t use it because it wasn’t comfortable for him.

So one night when were were over there, Dad tried putting shims under the recliner feet to change the angle, to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, Grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.

That is forever stuck in my mind as the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.

One Liner

Today I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me for next Wednesday.

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]: 

Thank you for your letter of [date of rejection letter]. 

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. 

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

One Liner

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

A ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. 

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren. 

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship wrecked nearby, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. 

Eventually the first man decided to pray for clothes and more food. The next day, all of these were given to him as the belongings from yet another shipwreck were washed ashore. However, the second man still had nothing. 

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found that overnight a ship had anchored on his side of the island. 

The first man was welcomed aboard the ship along with his wife and he decided to say nothing of the other man, but instead leave him on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God’s blessings since obviously none of his prayers had been answered… 

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a Voice booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?” 

“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.” 

“You are gravely mistaken!” the Voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, and I answered it. If it were not for his prayers, you would not have received any of MY blessings.” 

“Tell me,” the first man asked, “what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?” 

“He prayed that all your prayers would be answered.”

One Liner

An apology is the best way to have the last word.

CATS & TEENAGERS 

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did. 

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. 

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. 

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. 

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

One Liner

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.