“Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy?”

Alexa: “Apple juice.”

One Liner

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I’m homeless.

Celebrating 20 years of Mikeshumor – May 2004 to May 2024

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

One Liner

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Celebrating 20 years of Mikeshumor – May 2004 to May 2024

TELEMARKETER HANG-UP STRATEGY

A telemarketer calls, “I would like to speak with Max, please.”

The homeowner reluctantly replies, “I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange.”

The telemarketer responds, “Why would that be?”

The homeowner answers, “This is the first time we’ve ever had a call for the dog.”

One Liner

The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add twenty percent.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. ‘Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.’ Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said. 

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

One Liner

Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. 

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” 

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Mr. Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, Mr. Campos, gave me $10,000.” 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Mr. Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.” 

One Liner

Being a functioning adult, every day seems a bit excessive.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

ohn: What’s the difference between a lemon, an elephant, and a bag of cement?

Philip: I give up, what’s the difference?

John: You can squeeze a lemon, but you can’t squeeze an elephant.

Philip: What about the bag of cement?

John: I just threw that in to make it hard.

One Liner

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

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