A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world.

One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises.

“I know,” replied the actor, “it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath.”

One Liner

I just paid it BACKwards by telling the guy at the window that the car behind me was paying for my stuff.

A spinster of 92 finally consented to go to a retirement community, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

The next day her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

“Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool…” the list went on and on.

Finally the niece asked, “What changed your mind about staying at the retirement community?”

The dear old lady responded: “There are MEN in this place!”

One Liner

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.

Dentist – “Try to relax. I’ll pull your aching tooth in five minutes.”

Patient – “How much will this cost?”

Dentist – “It’ll be $2,000.”

Patient – “That much for just five minutes work?”

Dentist – “Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly.”

One Liner

Jellyfish have survived this long without brains. This gives me hope for humanity.

MOM’S LIST OF THINGS SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR

1.  I swallowed the goldfish.

2.  Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3.  Does grape juice leave a stain?

4.  The principal called…

5.  But DAD says that word all the time!

6.  What’s it cost to fix a window?

7.  Has anyone seen my earthworms?

8.  Look, I painted your shoes pretty!

9.  The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your underwear.

10.  I’m running away from home.
     (… well, maybe some days …)  

One Liner

The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BAD COOK WHEN…

– You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.

– You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

One Liner

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. 

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

“No problem,” the teacher told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” the professor insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”

“I don’t know any of these people,” the student exclaimed. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

One Liner

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”

“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

One Liner

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.