A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

One Liner

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?” 

“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband. 

“And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??” 

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband. 

“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”

One Liner

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A person calls a pet store: “Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once.”
Astonished clerk: “What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?”
Caller: “I’m moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.”

One Liner

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Can’t get away for a ski vacation?  Just do this:*  Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.*  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.*  Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.*  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. There.  Now just sit down and wait for Spring.

One Liner

I used to wear gloves all the time, but now I only wear them intermittenly.

A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he noticed a little boy standing in a yard next to the curb with a lawn mower. He asked the little fellow what he was doing, to which the little fellow replied, “I want to sell this mower so I can buy a bicycle.”

The preacher said, “Well son I need a lawn mower and I have this bicycle. Maybe we can work out a trade. Why don’t you ride my bicycle around the block and see what you think about it?”

The little boy went around the block and when he returned the preacher was sitting on the curb red faced and out of breath. The preacher said, “I have pulled on this rope since you left and I can’t get this thing to start.”

The little boy softly said, “You have to cuss.”

The preacher replied, “I haven’t cussed in so long I have forgotten how.”

The little boy replied, “if you pull on that rope long enough you will remember.”

One Liner

I know I am getting older. Just this morning I was thinking what my life was like ten, twenty, even thirty minutes ago.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. 

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”

One Liner

Give some people an inch and they think they’re rulers.