A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
One Liner
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
A fellow who loved to go out in his kayak whenever he could.
One winter it was very cold, so he built a fire on a metal lined pad on the floor of the boat.
The fire burned through the pad, causing the boat to sink.
This proves that we cannot have our kayak and heat it, too.
One Liner
Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
Teacher: Class, we are going to have a spelling bee this morning.
Teacher: Stanley, spell “orange”.
Stanley: Hmmm, do you mean the fruit or the color?
One Liner
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”
Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”
One Liner
If poison is past its expiration date, does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding.
Carpenter #2 asks, “What are you doing?!?”
The first carpenter replies, “I can’t use about half of these nails because they’re pointed in the wrong direction!”
The second carpenter tells him, “Don’t be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!”
One Liner
Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?
BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE’S DAY
~ The florist couldn’t find your house. Did you move?
~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.
~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn’t want to send less than the very best.
~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!
~ I didn’t know you liked jewelry.
~ I thought we would do something different this year.
~ You didn’t remind me.
One Liner
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.
One Liner
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
mikeshumor 