SHORT FUNNY SAYINGS

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

MONEY TALKS … but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I’m in shape … round’s a shape isn’t it?

I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

43% of all statistics are useless.

I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering – save all the parts.

SHIN – A device for finding furniture in the dark.

One Liner
I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

Thought for the day
Any act of obedience is also an act of worship. Why is obedience so pleasing to God? Because it proves you really love him. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey my commandments” (John 14:15 TEV).

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

One Liner
Sign on the back of a motorcyclist’s tee-shirt: “If you can read this, my wife fell off!”

Thought for the day
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

“He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass.” – George Herbert

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone.”

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

One Liner
On the Internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

Thought for the day
Double up. Get a spiritual partner to come alongside you for support and encouragement. This is someone with whom you can share what you learn in your quiet times. It could be someone in your small group, a friend, or a family member. The Bible says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed” (Ecclesiastes 4:9 NLT).

This Is Good!

I heard the story about a king in Africa who had a close friend that he had grown up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This is good!”

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!.”

To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb.

Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. “You were right” he said, “it was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. “And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.”

“No,” his friend replied, “this is good!”

“What do you mean, ‘this is good!’ How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year.”

“If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you.”

One Liner
Mark Twain warned, “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Thought for the day
It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others. Ephesians 2:10 (LB)

God calls you to a service far beyond anything you could ever imagine. You were put on earth to make a contribution.

You weren’t created just to consume resources—to eat, breath, and take up space. God designed you to make a difference with your life. You were created to add to life on earth, not just take from it. God wants you to give something back.

HELPFUL HEALTH Q&A

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO …… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie…flour is a veggie!

One Liner
I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without their motions being questioned.

Thought for the day
“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up.” Luke 8:5 (NIV)

Sometimes we don’t give God a chance to talk. Our minds are made up, our hearts are hardened, and we’re unwilling to listen

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” his pal replied. “All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother.”

“I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn’t like.”



One Liner
“A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people’s patience.”



Thought for the day
“Be made new in the attitude of your minds.” Ephesians 4:23 (NIV)

The Word of God can smash any stronghold, it can break any chain, and it can uncover any lie. Once the demolition is complete, God will begin the renovation of your life

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, “Hi, you have reached 555-9851. I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone.”

One liner
“Life is like a doughnut… you’re either in the dough or in the hole.”

Thought for the day
Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” (John 8:12 NLT)

There was no doubt in Jesus’ mind as to who he was. He knew he came from God, and he knew he had a unique mission to fulfill. As believers, we can know we belong to God and that God defines who we are and what we are meant to do on this Earth. Trying to be someone God never intended you to be causes stress!

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

“Is the word spelled ‘put’ or ‘putt’?” she asked the instructor.

“‘Putt’ is correct,” he replied. “‘Put’ means to place a thing where you want it. ‘Putt’ means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

One Liner
“As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn’t let me play with.”

Thought for the day
Real change comes from the inside out. And when the Bible says “be made new in the attitude of your mind” (Ephesians 4:23 NIV) and “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2 NIV), God is reminding us that every behavior starts with a thought.