A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The kid said, “Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I’d never stand in another line.”

One Liner
Really??? Paper beats rock?! Next time someone says, “I’ll throw a rock at you,” just try to only hold up a piece of paper!

Thought for the day
“Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13 (LB)

Jesus doesn’t say he’s a good way, or a nice way, or even the best way. He says, “I’m it.”

Little Dewey was one of those holy terrors. 

His dad was surprised when Dewey’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it’ll spread it over a wider area.”

One Liner
“I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t like you.”

Thought for the day
“But people who aren’t Christians can’t understand these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them because only those who have the Spirit can understand what the Spirit means.” (1 Corinthians 2:14 NLT)

You have the Holy Spirit inside you. You have the ability to understand when God is telling you to take steps toward his goals for your life. Ask him to teach you to hear his still small voice and to help you take the steps he tells you to take. Then, look for the ways he guides you through the decisions and details of your life.

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”
    
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
“Johnny?” The teacher said.

“I hate war,” Johnny said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2 NLT).

The New Testament calls this mental shift repentance, which in Greek literally means, “to change your mind.” You repent whenever you change the way you think by adopting how God thinks–about yourself, sin, God, other people, life, your future, and everything else. You take on Christ’s outlook and perspective.

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
“Laughter is by definition healthy.” — Doris Lessing

Thought for the Day
Hebrews 10:24 and “think of ways to encourage one anther to outbursts of love and good deeds” (NLT).

Who do you need to encourage? Take a moment to consider someone you know who might be feeling neglected or overlooked. Maybe it’s somebody in your office, school or neighborhood.

Consider ways to encourage them – maybe write them a quick note or take them out to lunch.

Those small acts have the power to change not only their lives, but yours as well. Instead of turning inward and allowing neglect to eat away at you, turn outward and use God’s power in your life to serve others. It’s ministry, it’s powerful, and it makes a difference.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of.
 
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep.
 
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
 
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
 
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
 
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

One Liner
Why do we choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him … in order that you might be useful in the service of God.” Romans 7:4 TEV)

Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling. 

EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

7. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

8. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

One Liner
On the other hand, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. 

Thought for the day
“For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” Matthew 5:18 NIV

Jesus says the Bible will last until the end of time. It will accomplish what God wants to accomplish in this world.