Monthly Archives: April 2017

Humor – April 12

April 12, 2017humor, Uncategorizedmikeshumor

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

One Liner
Jack O’ Lantern:  An Irish pumpkin.

Thought for the day
“Do all your work in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 TEV).

Not some … but all of your work should be done in love. The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ’s love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers.

Humor – April 11

April 11, 2017humor, Uncategorizedmikeshumor

It was young Anthony’s first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.

The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel.

There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling.

Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. “It’s tomorrow!” exclaimed the small boy.

One Liner
A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?”
The reply was, “Washington DC”
On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”

Thought for the day
“Thinking about your commands will keep me from doing some foolish thing” Psalm 119:6 CEV

If you’re thinking about God’s truth, you’re not thinking about the less important stuff.

Humor – April 10

April 10, 2017Uncategorizedmikeshumor

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, but said to herself, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes an old, beat-up motor motorcycle pulled up with a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what You sent to help me?” But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her, please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday – for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!”

One Liner
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Thought for the day
“We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5 NCV).

We are not very good at capturing every thought and turning it to Christ, because it takes lots of practice. You can’t always control your circumstances, and you can’t even always control the way you feel. But you can control what you think about. That’s always your choice. And if you change the way you think, it changes the way you feel, and that will change the way you act.

Galatians 2:20

humor pic of the week

Humor – April 7

April 7, 2017humormikeshumor

A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and….

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”

Woman: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “Can I see your license please?”

Woman: “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “Don’t have one?”

Woman: “Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.”

Officer: “I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”

Woman: “I can’t do that.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Woman: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “Stole it?”

Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”

Officer: “You what?”

Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: “Is there a problem, sir?”

Officer 2: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

Woman: “Murdered the owner?”

Officer 2: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. “

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.”

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

Woman: “Bet he told you I was speeding too.”

One Liner
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Thought for the day
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28

Jesus promises rest that’s beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. It’s much deeper than physical rest. It’s soul rest. Your problem isn’t overworked muscles. It’s an overworked mind and an overworked spirit. You need rest from anxiety, tension, guilt, and fear.

Humor – April 6

April 6, 2017humormikeshumor

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, “I’ve got papers and magazines strewn all over the place — I don’t need any more.”

Philip’s reply? “Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?”

One Liner
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. — Chuck Hogan

Thought for the day
“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” Romans 12:11-12

If you want to reach your goals, you need to get God’s power by being joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

Humor – April 5

April 5, 2017humor, Uncategorizedmikeshumor

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

One Liner
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

Thought for the day
“Honor God with your bodies” 1 Corinthians 6:20b

Our bodies were made for activity. In Bible times they didn’t have to exercise because they walked everywhere and did physical work. But today, you really only have two choices: fatigue or fitness. If you choose fitness, it has to involve regular exercise.

Humor – April 4

April 4, 2017humor, Uncategorizedmikeshumor

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73

We all need a balanced diet. Thus choosing fruits and vegetables over chips and cookies will give us more sustained energy. We know what to do. We just need to do it

Humor – April 3

April 3, 2017humor, Uncategorizedmikeshumor

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained, “I will tell you why – I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”

One Liner
Do modern witches make use of all the newest spell checkers?

Thought for the day
“It is senseless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, fearing you will starve to death; for God wants his loved ones to get their proper rest” Psalm 127:2

Rest is so important that God put it in the Ten Commandments: Every seventh day, you are to rest. If you’re not taking a day off every week, you’re breaking one of his commandments.