Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Teacher: “Why, of course not.”

Johnny: “Good, ’cause I didn’t do my homework.”

One Liner
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Thought for the day
“Never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord . . . With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News” (2 Timothy 1:8 NLT).

Standing up for God when you’re afraid isn’t just the right thing to do.

It also builds your faith and your character

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie…”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says: “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

One Liner
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Thought for the day
Philippians 1:14: “Most of the brothers in the Lord have gained confidence from my imprisonment and dare even more to speak the message fearlessly” (HCSB).

Paul’s imprisonment for the Gospel led to others demonstrating more boldness.

God will use your courage, too, to help others respond with courage.

Signs You’re Getting Too Old To Drive…

– You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

– It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

– When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

– It scares you to drive the speed limit.

– The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

– You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

– You use cruise control at 25 mph.

– You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

– Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

– Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

One Liner
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.

Thought for the Day
“Reverence for God adds hours to each day” (Proverbs 10:27 LB).

Do you ever get to the end of your day and think, “Did I accomplish anything?”
Where does all the time go?
If you don’t master your schedule, it will master you!

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

One Liner
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Thought for the Day
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  I Corinthians 10:13

Man Up!!
Paul offers up a series of concise commands here to the Corinthian church in closing the letter. They need vigilance, not apathy. Faithful resolve, not vacillation. Strength (no doubt God’s strength), not to rely on (human) weakness. Consistent love, not selfishness or hardened hearts.

RULES FOR FREQUENT FLIERS

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

One Liner  
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.

Thought for the day
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Jesus’ love for children in an age when they weren’t those whom highly regarded is a powerful reminder of God’s love for the world often abuses or abandons. We are called to love the unloved, the forgotten, the abused and neglected.

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

One Liner   
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Thought for the day 
Ephesians 2:4-5
Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.

I’m glad God is rich in mercy.  I know my failures, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Without his mercy to pardon, and without his grace I would be lost and without God.