One day on his way to work, my husband stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain.

Forgetting that he hadn’t brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave.

“That’s my umbrella,” a woman immediately scolded.

Abashed at his mistake, he walked on to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived.

Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day.

That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier.

She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked: “You did real well for yourself today, didn’t you?”

One Liner
A football fan is someone who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field…and then head to the parking lot and not be able to find their own car.

Thought for the day
“Those who make idols end up like them. So does everyone who trusts them” Psalm 115:8 GW

Whatever you value the most in life, you’re going to become like. If you value money, you’ll eventually become a materialist. If you value pleasure, you’ll become a hedonist. If you value works, you’ll become a pragmatist. If you value above all else Jesus Christ, you’ll become a Christian.

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”

Her husband replied “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”

The wife responded, ” But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!”

[forwarded by Adon Brownell)

One Liner
All my friends tell me peer pressure is cool.

Thought for the day
“The poor, deluded fool … trusts something that can’t help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask: ‘Is this idol that I’m holding in my hand a lie?’” Isaiah 44:20 NLT

Oh, yes, those idols are lies. Sadly, idols don’t just stop after they’ve disappointed us, though. Eventually, they enslave us, too.

Tommy had reached school age.  His Mom worked hard to make him enthusiastic about the idea.  She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet, and so on.

The first day of school, he eagerly set off.  When he came back home he had a lot of glowing reports about school!

Next morning his Mom woke him up saying, “Tommy, it’s time to get ready for school.”

Tommy said, “What?  Again?”

One Liner
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Thought for the day
“A fool expresses all his emotions, but a wise person controls them” Proverbs 29:11 GW

To live responsibly, we must put our minds in gear before we put our mouths in gear. We must think before we act.

“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!”

I apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

“Terrible!” They said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”

One Liner
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 29:11: “Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back” (GNT).

Think before you speak. Delay is a tremendous remedy for anger.

WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

One Liner
A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.

Thought for the day
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7

The disciplines you establish today will determine your success tomorrow. The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

Two preachers were on the roadside with a sign that read, “The End is Near – turn around now before it’s too late”. A passing driver yelled “leave us alone you religious nuts”. Then the preachers heard a loud splash. One preacher said to the other, “Do you think we should have just said “Bridge Out”.

One Liner
Be yourself…who else is better qualified?

Thought for the day
Since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrews 12:28

Our worship should be filled with awe that the holy God sent His only Son to redeem us and made us to be a holy people unto himself.

Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said “you’re just a frog- you can’t fly!” The frog knew that he didn’t want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.

“I got an idea!” the frog said. He found a long stick. “You two hold this stick in your claws and I’ll hold on to the middle.”

“With what?” the geese asked. “Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!”

“With my mouth” said the frog, proud of his idea.

So the geese put the stick in there claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.

A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?”

The frog proudly exclaimed “I did!”

One LINER
There is no problem a good miracle can’t solve.

Thought for the day
So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 1 Peter 1:14

I can remember my mother saying to me when I was a child “you know better”. It was during those times I learned what was expected of me. Here God is telling us to be obedient – know better – and be holy as he is holy!

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

One LINER
“Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.”

Thought for the day
God is our refuge and strength, 
an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God has power and authority to help us out of any trouble, anytime or anywhere