My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One LINER
~ Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:2
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise

Our function as humans is to glorify God!

Among the English language’s many puzzling words is “economy,” which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.

One LINER
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Thought for the day
“Then Jesus said, ‘Let’s get away from the crowds for a while and rest.’ There were so many people coming and going that Jesus and His apostles didn’t even have time to eat” (Mark 6:31 NLT).

Jesus experienced enormous stress and pressure, yet it didn’t seem to disturb His peace of mind. In spite of opposition, constant demands, and little privacy, His life reflected a calm sense of balance.

THE LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.

(Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell’s Scoop)
4. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

One LINER
The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

Thought for the day
Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG)

Remember is that no one is perfect. We all have regrets; we’ve all made bad choices, and said foolish things; we’ve all wasted time, and hurt ourselves and others.

Accept Christ’s forgiveness. Forgive yourself and focus on the future.

“Late Arrival”

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!”

He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

One LINER
“The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.”

Thought for the day
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. Proverbs 4:23 (GNT)

If you want to change the way you act, you must first change how you think.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her minister.

“Reverend,” she wailed, “Nate and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Barbara. “But what am I going to do with the BODY?”

One LINER
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

Thought for the day
“Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers” (Proverbs 18:24 TEV).

The Bible gives us six building blocks for developing long-term relationships:
We must be considerate, confidential, candid, constructive, consistent and committed. “
The point is obvious: You will attract whatever you are!

“Our last fight was really my fault. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’

And I said, ‘Dust!'”

One Liner
“You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.”

Thought for the day
“These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” Habakkuk 2:3, LB

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work and on social media.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.
~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home – eat out more.
~ Don’t have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don’t believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Thought for the day
“Do everything in love” 1 Corinthians 16:14 NIV

Your number one goal in life should be to learn how to really love your family, your neighbors, and even those who are hard to love. That makes you more like God, because God is love