A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for “lights out” and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent.

Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out “twenty-two!” and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out “forty-one!” and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh.

The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says “Sure, why not tell number eighteen!”

No response whatsoever…..not even a snicker! The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong.

The cellmate replies, “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!”

One Liner
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 15:17-20: “If Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost! And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world”

I know for an absolute certainty that I’ll spend eternity in heaven. I can have this hope because Jesus has forgiven every sin I’ve ever committed and every sin I will commit in the future.

Because Jesus has paid for my sin, I no longer have to worry about what happens to me when I die. And the same can be true for you.

Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: “Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?”

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, “Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny.”

The little girl looked at her in amazement, “How do you get to ALL of those houses???”

One Liner
When you flee temptation, be sure you don’t leave a forwarding address.

Thought for the day
“Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” Philippians 3:8 NLT

You’re never going to become a friend of God in your spare time. You have to make knowing God your number one priority in life.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” replied the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”

One Liner
It sure was a lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

Thought for the day
“One person dies in full vigor, completely secure and at ease . . . Another dies in bitterness of soul, never having enjoyed anything good” Job 21:23, 25 NIV

You have a choice. You can hold on to unforgiveness and bitterness, or you can experience the life God is calling you to live.You can’t have both.

You may think the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. You’re right—but you don’t deserve forgiveness, either.

QUIZ: Reading them slowly may help.

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

One Liner
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Thought for the day
The Bible says it like this: “I have gained perfect freedom by following your teachings” Psalm 119:45 CEV

Freedom comes when you look to God for approval and not anyone else. You don’t need to earn his love. You don’t need to be perfect to please him. You can’t buy his approval or fake your way to it.

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not very good at counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your finance education?” he asked.
“Yale,” replied the lad.
“Oh, that’s quite impressive. And what’s your name?” barked the manager.
“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

One Liner
The minister announced the cost to attend a special social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, ” the price will be only $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you my age information for only 50 cents?”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride leads to destruction; a proud attitude brings ruin” (NCV). I love this verse in the Message paraphrase: “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Pride destroys relationships, but humility is the antidote to pride. Humility builds relationships.

Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly gates: “For Service Ring Bell.”

Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. A little annoyed, Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes back; again, no one’s there.

“Okay, that’s it,” Peter says. “I’m going to hide and watch to see what’s going on.” So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?”

“Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” Peter asks.

“I can’t help it — they keep resuscitating me!” he replies.

One Liner
Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Thought for the day
“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8 The Message).

Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

Selflessness brings out the best in others. It builds trust in relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, it forces the other person to change, because you’re not the same person anymore, and they have to relate to you in different way.