Monthly Archives: July 2020
Humor – July 10
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
One Liner
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.
Thought for the day
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need” Acts 2:44-45 NIV
These early Christians didn’t just give their money. They were generous with everything they had. You could say they were radically generous.
Humor – July 9
Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.
“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.
Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”
“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”
One Liner
Why be difficult? Put in some effort and be impossible.
Thought for the day
“In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” Romans 12:5 NIV
While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God’s family you are connected to every other believer
Humor – July 8
The following sign hangs in a local auto-repair garage:
AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:
Ping-Ping-Ping………$35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk……$50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk….$125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud…..$200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank….$325.00
One Liner
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” Genesis 2:18 NIV
We are created for community, fashioned for fellowship, and formed for a family, and none of us can fulfill God’s purposes by ourselves. The Bible knows nothing of solitary saints or spiritual hermits.
Humor – July 7
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve spent the winter in Florida.”
One Liner
First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s NOT mess this up!
Thought for the day
“God’s family is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 GW).
You are called to belong, not just believe.
Humor – July 6
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, “The choir was awful this morning.”
The father commented, “The sermon was too long.”
Their 7-year-old daughter added, “You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for only a dollar.”
One Liner
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
Thought for the day
‘Do not be worried and upset,’ Jesus told them. ‘Believe in God and believe also in me’” John 14:1 GNT
You don’t have to go the rest of your life in constant worry, being uptight, having your stomach in a knot, or feeling tense. Anything that’s learned can be unlearned. So let’s start unlearning worry!
1 Peter 3:12
Happy Birthday USA
“where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV
Humor – July 3
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him.”
One Liner
If the front of your car says “DODGE,” do you really need a horn?
Thought for the day
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” Matthew 6:25 NIV
God is the source of everything you need to live. He is the Good Shepherd who feeds, leads, and meets your needs. You don’t have to look anywhere else.
Humor – July 2
Two friends drove by a gas station.
The first one says, “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”
The second replies, “It doesn’t affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth.”
One Liner
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Thought for the day
“God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19 ESV
God, however, is never lost. And there is nothing you need that God can’t supply.
mikeshumor 