I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. 

Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. The nurse patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure.” 

“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I said, “please continue.” 

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?” 

One Liner
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain …. all on the bottom shelf. 

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great, Son!” said his daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Today he represents us in Congress.

One Liner
Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded fire station?

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries, “At this rate it’ll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”

One Liner
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies–two in the front seat and three in the back–wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”  

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!”, the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 119.”

One Liner
The trouble with a giving advice is that people want to repay you.

TODAY’S STOCK MARKET REPORT:

Helium was up. 
Feathers were down. 
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. 
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. 
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. 
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

One Liner
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. 

“Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.” 

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.” 

“Well, at $100 an hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder He walked.” 

One Liner
You gotta be patient.  Half the people you deal with are below average.

A PARENT’S PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at And what they’re doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

One Liner
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.