An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have mixed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

One Liner
How do you know you are out of invisible ink?

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

One Liner
An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away!

A man walking with his friend says, “I’m a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “How so?”

“My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”

One Liner
Sometimes I think I understand everything – but then I regain consciousness.

My pastor and his extended family were playing the game Jelly Belly’s Bean Boozled at a holiday gathering. (In the game you spin and it lands on a jellybean color with two possible flavors – one good and one bad. For instance, black could be licorice or skunk spray. You have to eat it without knowing which it will be.)

During the game his 8-year-old grandson spun the color for pear or boogers. The grandson was a bit skittish about eating the jellybean. His father leaned over to him and whispered, “Son, it shouldn’t be bad. You eat your boogers all the time.” 

To which his son promptly replied, “Yeah Dad, but I hate pears.”

One Liner
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?” 

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?'”

One Liner
We waste time, so you don’t have to. 

A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach.  They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea!

The grandmother fell on her knees and cried to the heavens: “Please, Lord, return my grandson!  Please!  PLEASE!!!”

Lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the drenched child at her feet. She checked him over head to toe.  He was fine!

The grandmother looked up to the heavens again and said sternly: “He had a hat.”

One Liner
She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.