A man was returning from a pilgrimage to France. As he was in line at the
customs gate, an agent suspiciously eyed a bottle hidden in the man’s
luggage.
“And what’s this, sir?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s a bottle of holy water from Lourdes,” said the man.
The agent uncorked the bottle, took one whiff and said, “This is wine!”
“Wine?!” cried the man. “Praise the Lord, another miracle!!!”
One Liner
Mix a four-leaf clover with poison ivy and you get a rash of good luck.
As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, “Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.”
One Liner
When it comes to giving, some men stop at nothing.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned over, and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000.
“Well, please let me have $3000 now.” The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this tale: Don’t be difficult with old people, they’ve spent a lifetime learning the skills.
One Liner
Money doesn’t go as far as it used to. But it does go FASTER.
A mother mouse and her daughter are suddenly attacked by a cat! The mother mouse yells, “WOOF! ARF! WOOF!!” and the cat runs away.
“See?” says the mother to the daughter. “It’s important to know a foreign language!”
One Liner
My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”
One Liner
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
One Liner
A good way to lose weight: Put the scale in front of the refrigerator.
A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, “Mom, does that hurt?”
“Oh, yes, it does,” she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
“Wow,” said the kid. “Does it hurt the mother, too?”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
One Liner
I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You do not want to try these techniques at home!”
“Why not?” asked a man from the audience.
“After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife’s routine at breakfast,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once? It’d be much more efficient.'”
“Well, did your suggestions save much time?” the attendee asked.
“Actually, yes,” the efficiency expert responded. “It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”
One Liner
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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