I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator.

The boss asked me, “So, what makes you suitable for this job?”

“Well,” I replied, “I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!”

One Liner

I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.

A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.

She replies, “Yes… it’s breakable.”

One Liner

Not saying I live in a rough area, but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

*Santa to 3-year-old female:

Hello … why is your arm in plaster?

Because it hurts.

What makes it hurt?

The dog.

Did he bite you?

No, he pushed me in the pool.

And did you swim out yourself?

No the pool was empty, and dad was cleaning it.

One Liner

I’m only talking to my dog today.

Fruit Cake TOP TEN

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force; let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer’s garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words: pin cushion.

One Liner

Here I am – now what are your other two wishes?

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

~ ARBITRAITOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

~ BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.

~ BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through

~ AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do

~ EYEDROPPER – Clumsy ophthalmologist

~ CONTROL – A short, ugly inmate.

~ COUNTERFITTER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

~ ECLIPSE – What an English barber does for a living.

~ LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

~ HEROES – What a man in a boat does

~ PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower

~ PARADOX – Two physicians

~ PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm

~ POLARIZE – What penguins see through

~ PRIMATE – Remove your spouse from in front of TV

~ RELIEF – What trees do in the spring

~ SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does

~ SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official

One Liner

How do you start a fairy tale in the modern age?
“If elected, I promise…”

A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience.

“It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, his dad asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ All that, Daddy, for only 25 cents?!?!”

One Liner

Common sense is the least common of the senses.