Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.

“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”

“Autumn,” he replied

One Liner

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, “Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner

You’re having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist’s office that says, “No pain, no gain.”

 famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well.

“My wife likes your stuff,” he remarked apologetically. “I thought I’d give her these autographed copies for a birthday present.”

“A surprise, eh?” hazarded the author.

“I’ll say,” agreed the customer. “She’s expecting a Cadillac.”

One Liner

I love approaching 80 – I learn something new every day and forget five other things!

THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her/him behind her/him back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy…or else.

IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the shower, nor use my credit cards.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!

X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his entertainment center, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

One Liner

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.

One Liner

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.” They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen,

“Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

One Liner

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, “Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started.”

Mozart said, “The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with.”

The young man looked astonished. “But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I.”

“Ah,” said Mozart, “but I did so without asking advice.”

One Liner

If everything goes perfectly, something’s wrong.

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Tommy, what’s the matter?” 

Little Tommy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife.”

One Liner

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven’t met everybody.