At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me!
The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”
One Liner
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
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Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left?
Me: 10
Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?
Me: Still 10 muffins… and 1 injured friend.
One Liner
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
he teacher asked her students, “Who can tell me what the ruler of Russia was called?”
“Czar,” the class replied in unison.
“Correct. And what was his wife called?”
“Czarina,” the class replied.
“Good! And what were his children called?”
A timid voice piped up, “Czardines?”
One Liner
Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.
The little girl was quite indignant. “No, daddy, I don’t like him!” she stated. “He’s only interested in one thing.”
Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
“Paw Patrol, of course,” said the girl.
One Liner
You come from dust and to dust you will return. This is why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, “Mom, does that hurt?”
“Oh, yes, it does,” she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
“Wow,” said the kid. “Does it hurt the mother, too?”
One Liner
I asked my student where his homework was. He replied, Its still in my pencil.
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”
One Liner
The duck goes into the drugstore to buy some Chapstick, and the cashier asks how he’s going to pay for it. The duck says, “Put it on my bill.”
My three year old was saying his nightly prayers in a very low voice.
“I can’t hear you,” I whispered.
He said firmly, “Wasn’t talking to you.”
One Liner
As William Shakespeare died in 1616, I believe he should be referred to in the past tense: Wouldiwas Shookspeared
Debra was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, “How much are these oranges?”
“Two for a dollar,” answered the vendor.
“How much is just one?” she asked.
“Sixty cents,” answered the vendor.
“Then I’ll take the other one,” said Debra.
One Liner
Be careful or you’ll end up in my sermon.
mikeshumor 