A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

One Liner

What Thanksgiving treat is the most popular at the kids’ table? 
Crayon-berry sauce.

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths. 

• Did you hear about the sad cranberry? It was actually a blueberry.
• What did one smitten pumpkin say to the other? I only have pies for you. 
• What’s the best thing to put in pumpkin pie? Your teeth! 
• Why was everyone grouchy after drinking the apple cider? It was made of crab apples!
  
  One Liner
  
  What’s a good author to read out at the Thanksgiving table? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.

• “What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?” “Quack, Quack!”
• “Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?” “He sensed fowl play.”
• “What key has legs and can’t open a door?” “A turkey.”
  
  One Liner
  “Why did they let the turkey join the band?” “Because he had his own drumsticks.”

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.

Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”

One Liner

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat and you could tell she thought the cat understood every word. I came back home and told my dog. We got a big laugh out of that.

A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.