Alan asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”

Steve says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, ‘Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember… I don’t mind going back to prison.'”

One Liner

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.” 

One Liner

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry.

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”

One Liner

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands–that痴 where I知 taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Jones insurance on her husband’s life. In fact he thought it was too easy.

When all the details were finalized Mrs. Jones casually asked, “Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?”

“That would depend entirely,” the insurance man replied, “on how the evidence is presented to the jury.”

One Liner

No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal.

“Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me look 40 years old!”

“May I have it?” called out the lady. “That’s just what I’m looking for!”

One Liner

One of the hardest decisions in life is when to start middle age.